I do this thing, when I have time alone early in the morning, where I sit at the dining table, bookshelf fully loaded to my right, and I pick a book and randomly open the page to search for something to make sense of my current state.
I did this as a teen. And a twenty-something. Turn on the radio. Wait for the song to explain it all.
This is my faith, I suppose. I have little otherwise, but I do so wish for someone to tell me how to make my decisions and next steps.
It’s silly. And random. And not coincidental. And completely meaningless. But it makes me feel better. So, is this my subtly gruesome way of torturing myself, making me think deeper about the big picture? I’m not stabbing myself or pinching or cutting myself, so yes? I’m not committing to worship or abiding by much more than society guidelines. I take a shower everyday. I don’t stink. I go to work. I work hard. I make money. I pay my bills. I take care of my kid. I love my husband. I miss my family. I don’t smoke crack. I live like a decent person.
But I’m also a flaming idiot. I sit around and randomly open books and expect them to guide me. At least they’re well-written. How the eff can I continue getting by on the advice of Katy Perry? No, this is silly. But let’s just give it a test. Yes. Let’s.
Hold on a sec. Grabbing a book… opening it…
Here we go. I know you want to know.
“It is natural instinct, Mr Barlow, to shrink from the unknown. But if you discuss it openly and frankly you remove morbid reflexions. That is one of the things the psycho-analysts have taught us. Bring your dark tears into the light of the common day of the common man, Mr Barlow. Realize that death is not a private tragedy of your own but the general lot of man. As Hamlet so beautifully writes: ‘Know that death is common; all that live must die.’ Perhaps you think it morbid and even dangerous to give thought to this subject, Mr Barlow, the contrary has been proved by scientific investigation. Many people let their vital energy lag prematurely and their earning capacity diminish simply through fear of death. By removing that fear they actually increase their expectation of life. Choose now, at leisure and in health, the form of final preparation you require, pay for it while you are best able to do so, shed all anxiety. Pass the buck, Mr Barlow; Whispering Glades can take it.”
“I will give the matter every consideration.”
And there you go. Every single time I take away something. How about that?
(Quote from: The Loved One, by Evelyn Waugh)
